My Latest Infatuation

As I've been trying to wean myself off my makeup addiction, I have kinda taken a new interest in reading. Ok the word "new" may be a little misleading, seeing as this isn't the only time in life that I've been interested in books, but it's new as of late. The books I've read in the past couple years have, admittedly, usually been for school, so I guess they count, but just barely. Anyways, a couple days ago I went crazy, buying $70 worth of books from B&N's website- they were having a sale, and I never pass up a good sale. :)

Here are some books I've in the past little while:

-The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff (a novel that mixes truth and fiction about current and past polygamy in the U.S.)

-Five People you Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (a different yet touching twist on what happens when you reach the other side)

-Eat This, Not That! by David Zinczenko (a great guide for what to choose when eating out- very eye opening)

-Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris (a comical, thought-provoking memoir)

-Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs (ridiculously crazy memoir of growing up under a psychiatrist's roof)

-Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell (non-fictional reflection and study of success as we know it, and why it's not so random as we think)

-Push by Sapphire (see the entry a couple down for more info on this book)

...and my current read is a oldie but a goodie: Wuthering Heights. It's one I read in school but I hate to say it, I think I read 50% of it through sparknotes, so I thought that seeing as I now have the time that I'd re-read it, and wow. I definitely don't remember much of it, at least not up to the point I'm currently at (pg. 90 of 320).

ANYWAYS, why am I giving this run down of recent reads? Because I have read some GREAT books, but I know that at least half of them, though amazing, would never be read at BYU, naturally due to their mature content. Yes, admittedly, some of them even make me uncomfortable, but that's because they're so honest about what life can really be like. And I appreciate that. If nothing else it makes me appreciate the life I life, but usually it does much more than that. It helps me totally analyze and question everything in life. For example, in "Running with Scissors", the family totally just gets to do anything they want. Not only are they allowed, but encouraged to do what they want. They can and should also say whatever they want, and often what they say and do is a "little" reckless. But then it begs the question, what is better: to be reckless and say/do whatever, or be more "normal"?

So I think I want to start my own book club, most likely online. I mean I'm sure there are book clubs I could join, but I want to do one where people aren't afraid to learn and read from all books, and can be adult about the facts of life.

Ever felt you were born in the wrong body?

Ok, lemme explain. You know how some people are born one gender, only to feel that they are truly the other gender? Well, I definitely DON'T know how that feels- I'm happy to be a woman and couldn't imagine myself a man, I really can't. BUT, I do sometimes wonder if I was supposed to be born in a different time or culture. Ok, so I don't take a lot of stock in it, because in actuality I don't think I'd ever trade my current life for any other, but there are a few times/places/people that I wish I could (have been) be part of. They are (in no particular order):

1) British- Ever since I was a young girl, I've always had a crazy adoration for everything British. I love their accents, music, architecture, culture, politics, everything. I am a total wannabe; and yes some of my friends will tell you that my attempt at an English accent is horrendous. But I some times get a little sting in my heart when I think I may never live there. Maybe I will, but most likely not. Everything over there is right down my alley and I'd have a hay-day living there. I would wanna live in a cute townhouse in or near London and be able to drive on the left side of the street and have free healthcare. Plus, their fashions are fantastic.

2) Native American- It saddens me when people are negative about Native American culture because honestly I think it is such a beautiful culture, and the people are so beautiful too. I mean I will admit that some of them don't realize how lucky they are to be so awesome, but overall they are wonderful. I wish I was a Native American woman and I'd grow my dark hair out really long and braid it and wear pretty beads and feel free and unrestrained. Maybe this is a bit inaccurate about how Native Americans generally live, but it's how I would live :)

3) Harlem Renaissance- I yearn to see how life was during the Harlem Renaissance. I feel a really unique energy from this period of time. It truly was a re-awakening, a rebirth of potential and self-worth. I would love to meet and be inspired by Langston Hughes. I would wanna share a brownstone with other families, as long as I could walk down the street and say hi to everyone because everyone was, in a way, family. I would also like to feel every emotion, high and low, that they felt.

OK so there are sooooo soooo many other places and times that I'd die to see, but I think that it's pretty normal to wanna see what other places are like. But these are 3 main ones. And may I say that I have no idea how heaven really is, but I hope that above all else, all my questions that went unanswered receive their answer and that I can see how life was in every place/time. :)

A Belated Thanksgiving...

So, usually I don't take much stock in holidays such as Thanksgiving. It's good in theory to celebrate gratitude, but I often think these days holidays are an excuse to market products and make heaps of money; I think most of them have lost their real meaning, and are overshadowed by presents, shopping, etc. In fact, I want to get in to this topic a little further, but that may be a topic for another entry.

However, this week I had a somewhat belated revelation of gratitude. Usually on thanksgiving, I think to myself, "I'm thankful for my blessings"...it's pretty general, and all-encompassing. Then, I read a book called "Push", which is about a 16-year-old girl in Harlem who has it pretty rough- she has been raped by her father since she was a tiny child, which has resulted in 2 children; she is completely illiterate; her mother abuses her, and lives off welfare; and even when she runs away from her mother, she discovers she has AIDS. And not to spoil the ending for those of you who plan on reading (so if you don't want to hear the ending, skip to the next paragraph), but we never see her actually become something totally successful. The ending insinuates hope, and that she will soon be up to par to take a GED exam, so that's good.

The craziest thing about the book is that it is based on true events. It was sobering to read and realize that I have been born in a very wonderful, relatively easy life, and that I should not only appreciate it, but not take it for granted. I realized that I truly am grateful for my life. Yes, it is cliche, but it's totally true, and not some stock saying that I just use on thanksgiving.

Ok end of sappiness.

Cheating...

As you may know, I like to discuss line-stepping topics from time to time. I like to analyze, and I like to look at these topics from perhaps an unorthodox p-o-v.

So, it seems like every channel I've switched to tonight is discussing Tiger Woods' alleged adultery. And all the commentators keep saying is how disenchanted they are with this guy who they once thought was all clean-cut and a great role model, and how it's "just sad" that he's turned out to be this kind of person.

First off, who did they really think Tiger Woods was- God?? I mean no offense, but I don't think he should be considered any less fallible than any other human being. I don't understand why we put so much stock in the "role model", because no one really should feel pressured to act perfect; Plus, when you finally find out that they're not perfect, it kind of feels like you've been lied to all along.

Let it be said that NO ONE is even close to perfect in this world, and to anyone who pretends to be, I have a news flash: WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT PERFECT. Shocker! Nothing wrong with trying to be a good person, and you don't even have to settle for less if you don't want, but be willing to admit fault and imperfections when they happen.

Next, by no means are Tiger Woods' actions ok. Most of us can agree that he acted a fool and that he has a long road ahead of him to gain forgiveness. But I also kind of feel bad for him- yes, he has a life that most people dream of- a beautiful wife, amazing talent, and billions of dollars. But all of that isn't a guarantee for happiness. In fact, there's a song I oft like to quote, called "Mo' money, mo' problems", which states that "the more money we come across, the more problems we see". Frankly, I'd rather have a kick back life with less money than a bustling, high pressure career, trying to juggle a family and multi-million dollar endorsements, etc. And just because your wife is "beautiful" doesn't guarantee a happy marriage.

Ultimately, I have learned that most cheaters aren't just doing it for fun- they usually have psychological/self-worth issues/whatever that make them feel like they need attention or other gratification from someone else. And most of them will ultimately need to come to the realization that they need to find satisfaction in themselves, before they look for it in others. Cheating is not okay, but we need to look beyond the action of cheating, and get to the why of the actions.

So in a (larger) nutshell, I feel bad for everyone involved, and I think it's obnoxious how people are throwing stones at a very complicated situation.

Something Strange is Happening

Yes, I've de-privatized my blog- I'm sick of being private. I know it's probably wiser, but it's a pain to be private...

But that's not the strange thing that I'm talking about...the strange thing is that I'm experiencing somewhat of a pivotal moment in my life right now: I am weaning off one addiction, and to be honest, I'm kinda wondering what I will do with myself once it's gone...

See, for the past couple years, I've been pretty interested in makeup- to an obsessive point. I have gotten to where I have so much that I can't take it anymore- the saturation is too much for me- it's driving me crazy! Just like a drug addict, you have to reach that bottom, that lowest low, and mine is not nearly as dramatic as going to jail or being hospitalized or anything- it's simply that I am sick of carting around all this darn makeup!

Now, I must also point out that makeup is more than just a physical addiction- using my makeup is a hobby for me, and something I'm quite passionate about- to the extent of doing it as somewhat of a "career" too. So, it's not all bad, but there's only so much of it that I can take before I lose it.

So anyways, I've been selling tons of it at low prices which is depressing because I'm lucky to be getting 50% of what I paid...but it's a start.

But now I'm like, what else can I do that is going to offer me the same sort of satisfaction? Because honestly, buying makeup is really fun- it gives me that high, which I have recently learned that retailers aim to instill in their audience. So yea, it's fun, ESPECIALLY when I know I have money to afford the cost. But now I'm just like, blahhh...shopping is overrated. I need something to pre-occupy me that is equally as rewarding but isn't as damaging to my pocket book and doesn't make me feel like a hoarder...sigh...

An Observation

This post has somewhat to do with Feminism. In truth, my interpretation (and that of many others) of Feminism is ultimately a belief that women should be able to exercise their full potential. I understand that there are current associations with the word that might make some more conservative folk cringe, and that's ok, because I am not really here to contend what the word means to the individual. 

I do however, mention this because I am, by the above definition, a feminist. I would also say that I, over time, have been known to be uncomfortable with the status of gender roles in society. A lot of this could be attributed to my Women's Lit class at BYU (or even all of my lit classes for that matter), but a lot has to do with the way I've observed being treated over time. 

For example, I notice that if I wear makeup the way I want to wear it, people definitely treat me worse than when I wear almost no makeup- because a woman wearing makeup is a bimbo or something. As a bus driver, I got a lot of guff, even from women- especially from women because of my choice of occupation! And I've noticed men try to push me out of the way when I'm trying to help with a task that's generally reserved for males, such as carrying heavy stuff. There's a lot more behind every situation, and I am digressing too much, because this is not really the point...

What is the point, then? Well, because of this discomfort that I have between roles, I generally don't like when men try to do things for me, ie: opening the door, carrying heavy objects for me, letting me butt in line, etc, simply because I'm a woman. It's kinda like, so what, you are a human, I am a human, why do I need to be in line first? I feel like when someone does one of these things, it's drawing attention to our genders, saying that I am smaller or lesser, thus I should get an advantage, like getting first in line. It's silly, but that's how these things have made me feel.

ANYWAYS, so but a month or so ago, I was in Skagway, and after eating in a public place, I got up with a couple of people (me and two men) and we went up to dispose of our plates at a garbage station- and the attendant, even though I was last to reach the station, grabs my plate from me, doesn't even offer to help the men out with theirs. I knew it was because I am a woman, and at first I wondered, "what is it that I appear that I can't clean off my plate just like the men?". 

But then it struck me- hurray!! I get special treatment. It comes unsolicited by me, as I have mentioned. I never ask for it, and I certainly prefer that I don't get it. BUT - if someone is going to offer it, I might as well accept it, happily. Is this silly? Shallow? Even defeatist? However, I figure that people are just trying to be polite, and doing it with the best of intentions. Why should I be rude and not show appreciation for their good manners? Plus, I guess it's true- if you can't beat em, join em! :)

I know I am rambling as of now, but I feel good coming to terms with one part of feminism. 

I think another part is the recent, new realization that I deserve being treated well. This comes from my therapist who once scolded me for not accepting compliments. I think I blogged about this before, right? Well basically, if someone says "that's a cute dress" or "you were so great up there" or "you are beautiful", I ought to accept it and say thanks! No more of this crap like "No no I was horrid" or "I don't think I'm pretty"- I realized it's awkward and even kind of rude when people reject compliments, anyways. So I think the whole concept works here. I shouldn't feel bad if someone takes my plate for me, I should graciously accept it. 

Update

Ok hello! I know, it's been a while. I haven't been entirely out of the blogging loop, though-- I started a new blog because Trent and I are currently traveling the country in a HAL motorcoach, doing promotion for Alaska Cruises and Cruisetours. It is seriously one of the best gigs I've ever had. It's given me so many wonderful opportunities/experiences, and has some really great perks, too. ANYWAYS, I'm trying to maintain a blog about this experience that can be found here: http://abbytrentquack.blogspot.com but if this blog is any indication of my maintenance skills, then you know it's not ever going to be entirely updated! :) 

This blog is still going to be updated though, with my random thoughts. 

And finally, I'm happy to say that the things that I discussed below are not really eating at us anymore- whether the problem still remains in Utah, we don't really care anymore, because we aren't there! :)