Have your cake and eat it too...

I just scarffed down a red velvet cupcake. It was amazing, the best I've ever eaten. And although lately I've been pretty conscientious of what I eat (I have to be, seeing as though I eat out every day!), I didn't feel guilty while eating this cupcake. And that was a good feeling.

I am glad that I do feel bad sometimes, because if I didn't, I would always over-eat. So I'm glad, but also grateful that I can eat a cupcake once and a while and enjoy every morsel without wondering how much weight I'll gain. :)

An Experience in Gratitude

Ok so today we were in Harlingen, TX, and my manager and I were standing outside our coach when, from the street, we heard a loud crashing sound, akin to when a garbage truck dumps a bag of trash in an empty bin, except much louder. We went running to the street and saw an SUV completely upside down- it had flipped over!

My first instinct was to call 9-1-1. Well ok, my first thought was that someone else would call, but I caught myself and said "what if everyone thinks the same thing?", so I called. It was a long, drawn out call, with lots of (at least I felt at the time) unnecessary questions such as "what color is the car?" (uh, does it matter, it's the only one that's flipped over, you can't miss it), "how many people are in the car?" (i am not really in the car, and it is smashed on it's top, so I would know this how) and yes, I had to repeat the address 20 times. I'm thankfully not used to calling 9-1-1, so I guess it could've been normal procedure but frankly, with all the time that passed with these questions, I would just not want to waste any time. I mean, if I'm not mistaken, they dispatch immediately, so the details are AFTER the ambulance is on it's way, but I was freaking out because every second could be precious in this man's life.

ANYWAYS, in the mean time, Trent had run over to try to help the guy (there were many people running over too), and at one point I even saw him running around with a crow bar to get the guy out. It turns out, the guy was (miraculously!) just fine, but his foot was stuck somehow so Trent actually climbed in to loosen his foot. I couldn't believe it when he told me, that he'd go to that length. Luckily I was not watching but if I had known that I'd probably have freaked- the car could've exploded or something! I was just so amazed by his selflessness.

Now, this experience, though it shook me up, was in many ways life changing. Please bare with me, as it gets a little random, but here it all is.

The first thing that struck me: Usually I am the one in the background who watches, who as I mentioned, figures that someone else will help or take care of the scary situation. But at that moment, I was reminded of a recent situation at a high school where a girl was repeatedly sexually assaulted by many different people, in front of many people who did nothing to stop it. The article cited a certain effect, where people assume someone else is gonna help, so they don't do anything. I am sure that I have been guilty of that in the past. And frankly, that sounds a little messed up, so I decided I didn't want to be that person anymore. I did what I hope others will do if I'm ever in a bad situation, and truth be told, it makes me feel good about what I did.

Now, on the topic of calling 9-1-1, this has strangely been a phobia of mine since I was young. I have googled it, and I don't see a name for this sort of fear. But it mostly stems from many many nightmares I had as a young girl, where our house was being robbed, or something scary was happening, and I would try to call 9-1-1 but nothing would come out when I'd talk. So, I've always been really freaked out to call 9-1-1 because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to follow through. I'm glad I proved myself wrong.

What I was most impressed with, however, was my husband and his actions, and the realization that I'm married to an amazing person (not that I didn't already know this but it's nice to get reminded!). He put this man's life before his own, to get him out. It was risky, but all about the other person. The best part about this is that it's not the first time he's been selfless. This is the same man that stops to help elderly women when I don't even notice that they're struggling at doing something; he is the same guy who works tirelessly to love every one of his siblings and fears offending them. He is just so thoughtful and loving and kind, and I know that this is pure bragging, but I think the occasion is appropriate and so for once, I am allowing it :)

I just realized that there are a couple individuals in his life that don't appreciate him because he isn't a) 100% active or b) a college graduate or other petty things, and they are missing out so so so much from really having joy in their life by doing so. He risks his life for a stranger, imagine what he'd do for his own family.

So, while I feel horrid for the fact that this happened, I am grateful for the lessons it taught me, and the new appreciation I have for my dear husband, Trent.

Withdrawal Beginning 5 Minutes Ago

Yep, we just finished watching all the back episodes of Big Love, and now I've gotta wait til January for Season 4! Arghhh... I am glad I waited all this time to get into this show because I would've hated having to wait forever to watch all those episodes- especially during the strike a couple years ago when they halted production.

ANYWAYS, last night we watched the infamous episode that includes a re-enaction of some of the temple ceremony. I kinda feel like I should watch out for a lightning bolt for saying that- a lightning bolt from other mormons, not from God- because I know that the episode wasn't very kosher to Mormons. Nonetheless, here are my reflections on the whole thing:

Now let me begin by saying that I don't necessarily condone having sacred rituals being re-enacted for the sake of entertainment. Whether it's Hindu or Buddhist or Catholic or Masons or, of course, Mormons, if a certain religion doesn't want you to discuss their sacred ritual, then there should be respect for that.

The producers claimed it was absolutely essential to the plot; However, I disagree. It is obvious that it was just included to show the temple. There's no necessity to it. The character, Barb, is about to be ex-communicated for being a polygamist, so she asks her mother and sister for one of them to lend her a temple recommend so she can go. Well, not only are temple recommends non-transferrable, but what's the point of going through the temple if you're about to be ex'd? From the references, I gather that she had been there long ago, and she was simply seeking peace from the temple, but if you weren't worthy, wouldn't there be very little to gain from going to the temple? *Shrug* So yea, I just thought it would be a very unlikely thing to do, and seeing as though her sister is allegedly a very active Mormon (her husband is in the 70 or something similar), would she really let her go to the temple knowingly? The mother and sister both went with her btw, so how did 3 people get in the temple with 2 recommends? hehe.

Well the actual scene was, first off, just a brief part of the temple ceremony, which I know, I know, is just as bad as showing any at all, I guess? Still, I found the representation to be spot on, and was very similar to my experience. Weirdly enough, I felt the spirit while watching the scene, because I recollected how true it all felt to me at the time. So, whether or not it was ok to include this scene, for me it strengthened my testimony. Of course, I do realize that it's casting pearls before swine, hence others watching may have scoffed and thought it totally weird. But really, I can't worry bout what others think, only how it affected me.

One thing that makes me cringe and even laugh when I watch Big Love is how sometimes they miss the mark on representing Mormons and the religion. Sometimes they're pretty spot on (such as the temple ceremony), but other times it's totally just silly and overrexaggerated. For example, when Barb has finished going through the temple and is in a waiting room, the matron comes up and goes "sorry, your 15 minutes are up". Now, I've only been to the temple once, but I am not aware that they say that. Or when they portray missionaries or bishops, they just seem so insincere and/or overzealous. It gets a little goofy.

I realize the directors researched Mormons and Utah culture for a few years before the show, but I really think sometimes the show would be even better if someone had actually grown up in Utah or in the culture- someone who isn't totally resentful either. Though I know it's hard to find someone who's not resentful :)

I guess ultimately it was interesting to me and added value to MY life, and made me "crave" going to the temple again, but I kinda roll my eyes at some of the slight exaggerations in the show.

My Latest Infatuation

As I've been trying to wean myself off my makeup addiction, I have kinda taken a new interest in reading. Ok the word "new" may be a little misleading, seeing as this isn't the only time in life that I've been interested in books, but it's new as of late. The books I've read in the past couple years have, admittedly, usually been for school, so I guess they count, but just barely. Anyways, a couple days ago I went crazy, buying $70 worth of books from B&N's website- they were having a sale, and I never pass up a good sale. :)

Here are some books I've in the past little while:

-The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff (a novel that mixes truth and fiction about current and past polygamy in the U.S.)

-Five People you Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (a different yet touching twist on what happens when you reach the other side)

-Eat This, Not That! by David Zinczenko (a great guide for what to choose when eating out- very eye opening)

-Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris (a comical, thought-provoking memoir)

-Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs (ridiculously crazy memoir of growing up under a psychiatrist's roof)

-Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell (non-fictional reflection and study of success as we know it, and why it's not so random as we think)

-Push by Sapphire (see the entry a couple down for more info on this book)

...and my current read is a oldie but a goodie: Wuthering Heights. It's one I read in school but I hate to say it, I think I read 50% of it through sparknotes, so I thought that seeing as I now have the time that I'd re-read it, and wow. I definitely don't remember much of it, at least not up to the point I'm currently at (pg. 90 of 320).

ANYWAYS, why am I giving this run down of recent reads? Because I have read some GREAT books, but I know that at least half of them, though amazing, would never be read at BYU, naturally due to their mature content. Yes, admittedly, some of them even make me uncomfortable, but that's because they're so honest about what life can really be like. And I appreciate that. If nothing else it makes me appreciate the life I life, but usually it does much more than that. It helps me totally analyze and question everything in life. For example, in "Running with Scissors", the family totally just gets to do anything they want. Not only are they allowed, but encouraged to do what they want. They can and should also say whatever they want, and often what they say and do is a "little" reckless. But then it begs the question, what is better: to be reckless and say/do whatever, or be more "normal"?

So I think I want to start my own book club, most likely online. I mean I'm sure there are book clubs I could join, but I want to do one where people aren't afraid to learn and read from all books, and can be adult about the facts of life.

Ever felt you were born in the wrong body?

Ok, lemme explain. You know how some people are born one gender, only to feel that they are truly the other gender? Well, I definitely DON'T know how that feels- I'm happy to be a woman and couldn't imagine myself a man, I really can't. BUT, I do sometimes wonder if I was supposed to be born in a different time or culture. Ok, so I don't take a lot of stock in it, because in actuality I don't think I'd ever trade my current life for any other, but there are a few times/places/people that I wish I could (have been) be part of. They are (in no particular order):

1) British- Ever since I was a young girl, I've always had a crazy adoration for everything British. I love their accents, music, architecture, culture, politics, everything. I am a total wannabe; and yes some of my friends will tell you that my attempt at an English accent is horrendous. But I some times get a little sting in my heart when I think I may never live there. Maybe I will, but most likely not. Everything over there is right down my alley and I'd have a hay-day living there. I would wanna live in a cute townhouse in or near London and be able to drive on the left side of the street and have free healthcare. Plus, their fashions are fantastic.

2) Native American- It saddens me when people are negative about Native American culture because honestly I think it is such a beautiful culture, and the people are so beautiful too. I mean I will admit that some of them don't realize how lucky they are to be so awesome, but overall they are wonderful. I wish I was a Native American woman and I'd grow my dark hair out really long and braid it and wear pretty beads and feel free and unrestrained. Maybe this is a bit inaccurate about how Native Americans generally live, but it's how I would live :)

3) Harlem Renaissance- I yearn to see how life was during the Harlem Renaissance. I feel a really unique energy from this period of time. It truly was a re-awakening, a rebirth of potential and self-worth. I would love to meet and be inspired by Langston Hughes. I would wanna share a brownstone with other families, as long as I could walk down the street and say hi to everyone because everyone was, in a way, family. I would also like to feel every emotion, high and low, that they felt.

OK so there are sooooo soooo many other places and times that I'd die to see, but I think that it's pretty normal to wanna see what other places are like. But these are 3 main ones. And may I say that I have no idea how heaven really is, but I hope that above all else, all my questions that went unanswered receive their answer and that I can see how life was in every place/time. :)

A Belated Thanksgiving...

So, usually I don't take much stock in holidays such as Thanksgiving. It's good in theory to celebrate gratitude, but I often think these days holidays are an excuse to market products and make heaps of money; I think most of them have lost their real meaning, and are overshadowed by presents, shopping, etc. In fact, I want to get in to this topic a little further, but that may be a topic for another entry.

However, this week I had a somewhat belated revelation of gratitude. Usually on thanksgiving, I think to myself, "I'm thankful for my blessings"...it's pretty general, and all-encompassing. Then, I read a book called "Push", which is about a 16-year-old girl in Harlem who has it pretty rough- she has been raped by her father since she was a tiny child, which has resulted in 2 children; she is completely illiterate; her mother abuses her, and lives off welfare; and even when she runs away from her mother, she discovers she has AIDS. And not to spoil the ending for those of you who plan on reading (so if you don't want to hear the ending, skip to the next paragraph), but we never see her actually become something totally successful. The ending insinuates hope, and that she will soon be up to par to take a GED exam, so that's good.

The craziest thing about the book is that it is based on true events. It was sobering to read and realize that I have been born in a very wonderful, relatively easy life, and that I should not only appreciate it, but not take it for granted. I realized that I truly am grateful for my life. Yes, it is cliche, but it's totally true, and not some stock saying that I just use on thanksgiving.

Ok end of sappiness.

Cheating...

As you may know, I like to discuss line-stepping topics from time to time. I like to analyze, and I like to look at these topics from perhaps an unorthodox p-o-v.

So, it seems like every channel I've switched to tonight is discussing Tiger Woods' alleged adultery. And all the commentators keep saying is how disenchanted they are with this guy who they once thought was all clean-cut and a great role model, and how it's "just sad" that he's turned out to be this kind of person.

First off, who did they really think Tiger Woods was- God?? I mean no offense, but I don't think he should be considered any less fallible than any other human being. I don't understand why we put so much stock in the "role model", because no one really should feel pressured to act perfect; Plus, when you finally find out that they're not perfect, it kind of feels like you've been lied to all along.

Let it be said that NO ONE is even close to perfect in this world, and to anyone who pretends to be, I have a news flash: WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT PERFECT. Shocker! Nothing wrong with trying to be a good person, and you don't even have to settle for less if you don't want, but be willing to admit fault and imperfections when they happen.

Next, by no means are Tiger Woods' actions ok. Most of us can agree that he acted a fool and that he has a long road ahead of him to gain forgiveness. But I also kind of feel bad for him- yes, he has a life that most people dream of- a beautiful wife, amazing talent, and billions of dollars. But all of that isn't a guarantee for happiness. In fact, there's a song I oft like to quote, called "Mo' money, mo' problems", which states that "the more money we come across, the more problems we see". Frankly, I'd rather have a kick back life with less money than a bustling, high pressure career, trying to juggle a family and multi-million dollar endorsements, etc. And just because your wife is "beautiful" doesn't guarantee a happy marriage.

Ultimately, I have learned that most cheaters aren't just doing it for fun- they usually have psychological/self-worth issues/whatever that make them feel like they need attention or other gratification from someone else. And most of them will ultimately need to come to the realization that they need to find satisfaction in themselves, before they look for it in others. Cheating is not okay, but we need to look beyond the action of cheating, and get to the why of the actions.

So in a (larger) nutshell, I feel bad for everyone involved, and I think it's obnoxious how people are throwing stones at a very complicated situation.