Something Strange is Happening

Yes, I've de-privatized my blog- I'm sick of being private. I know it's probably wiser, but it's a pain to be private...

But that's not the strange thing that I'm talking about...the strange thing is that I'm experiencing somewhat of a pivotal moment in my life right now: I am weaning off one addiction, and to be honest, I'm kinda wondering what I will do with myself once it's gone...

See, for the past couple years, I've been pretty interested in makeup- to an obsessive point. I have gotten to where I have so much that I can't take it anymore- the saturation is too much for me- it's driving me crazy! Just like a drug addict, you have to reach that bottom, that lowest low, and mine is not nearly as dramatic as going to jail or being hospitalized or anything- it's simply that I am sick of carting around all this darn makeup!

Now, I must also point out that makeup is more than just a physical addiction- using my makeup is a hobby for me, and something I'm quite passionate about- to the extent of doing it as somewhat of a "career" too. So, it's not all bad, but there's only so much of it that I can take before I lose it.

So anyways, I've been selling tons of it at low prices which is depressing because I'm lucky to be getting 50% of what I paid...but it's a start.

But now I'm like, what else can I do that is going to offer me the same sort of satisfaction? Because honestly, buying makeup is really fun- it gives me that high, which I have recently learned that retailers aim to instill in their audience. So yea, it's fun, ESPECIALLY when I know I have money to afford the cost. But now I'm just like, blahhh...shopping is overrated. I need something to pre-occupy me that is equally as rewarding but isn't as damaging to my pocket book and doesn't make me feel like a hoarder...sigh...

An Observation

This post has somewhat to do with Feminism. In truth, my interpretation (and that of many others) of Feminism is ultimately a belief that women should be able to exercise their full potential. I understand that there are current associations with the word that might make some more conservative folk cringe, and that's ok, because I am not really here to contend what the word means to the individual. 

I do however, mention this because I am, by the above definition, a feminist. I would also say that I, over time, have been known to be uncomfortable with the status of gender roles in society. A lot of this could be attributed to my Women's Lit class at BYU (or even all of my lit classes for that matter), but a lot has to do with the way I've observed being treated over time. 

For example, I notice that if I wear makeup the way I want to wear it, people definitely treat me worse than when I wear almost no makeup- because a woman wearing makeup is a bimbo or something. As a bus driver, I got a lot of guff, even from women- especially from women because of my choice of occupation! And I've noticed men try to push me out of the way when I'm trying to help with a task that's generally reserved for males, such as carrying heavy stuff. There's a lot more behind every situation, and I am digressing too much, because this is not really the point...

What is the point, then? Well, because of this discomfort that I have between roles, I generally don't like when men try to do things for me, ie: opening the door, carrying heavy objects for me, letting me butt in line, etc, simply because I'm a woman. It's kinda like, so what, you are a human, I am a human, why do I need to be in line first? I feel like when someone does one of these things, it's drawing attention to our genders, saying that I am smaller or lesser, thus I should get an advantage, like getting first in line. It's silly, but that's how these things have made me feel.

ANYWAYS, so but a month or so ago, I was in Skagway, and after eating in a public place, I got up with a couple of people (me and two men) and we went up to dispose of our plates at a garbage station- and the attendant, even though I was last to reach the station, grabs my plate from me, doesn't even offer to help the men out with theirs. I knew it was because I am a woman, and at first I wondered, "what is it that I appear that I can't clean off my plate just like the men?". 

But then it struck me- hurray!! I get special treatment. It comes unsolicited by me, as I have mentioned. I never ask for it, and I certainly prefer that I don't get it. BUT - if someone is going to offer it, I might as well accept it, happily. Is this silly? Shallow? Even defeatist? However, I figure that people are just trying to be polite, and doing it with the best of intentions. Why should I be rude and not show appreciation for their good manners? Plus, I guess it's true- if you can't beat em, join em! :)

I know I am rambling as of now, but I feel good coming to terms with one part of feminism. 

I think another part is the recent, new realization that I deserve being treated well. This comes from my therapist who once scolded me for not accepting compliments. I think I blogged about this before, right? Well basically, if someone says "that's a cute dress" or "you were so great up there" or "you are beautiful", I ought to accept it and say thanks! No more of this crap like "No no I was horrid" or "I don't think I'm pretty"- I realized it's awkward and even kind of rude when people reject compliments, anyways. So I think the whole concept works here. I shouldn't feel bad if someone takes my plate for me, I should graciously accept it. 

Update

Ok hello! I know, it's been a while. I haven't been entirely out of the blogging loop, though-- I started a new blog because Trent and I are currently traveling the country in a HAL motorcoach, doing promotion for Alaska Cruises and Cruisetours. It is seriously one of the best gigs I've ever had. It's given me so many wonderful opportunities/experiences, and has some really great perks, too. ANYWAYS, I'm trying to maintain a blog about this experience that can be found here: http://abbytrentquack.blogspot.com but if this blog is any indication of my maintenance skills, then you know it's not ever going to be entirely updated! :) 

This blog is still going to be updated though, with my random thoughts. 

And finally, I'm happy to say that the things that I discussed below are not really eating at us anymore- whether the problem still remains in Utah, we don't really care anymore, because we aren't there! :)

Rant of Sorts

One thing I've enjoyed (but didn't quite realize it all the time) while here in Alaska is that hardly anyone is trying to perfect others. This is a far cry from Utah County, where people are constantly prying into one's personal life, trying to find things they can fix. In Utah, Mormonism is not a choice; rather, it is a social code of conduct and if you don't follow it, everyone else has the right to bark up your tree about how detrimental your disobedience is to yourself and to others. 

I notice this now that my poor husband has returned back to Utah, only to be hassled by people about our lifestyle choices, choices which are neither damaging nor unusual-- They just aren't what some people envision our lives to be. Instead, they want to pick at every one of his character traits, trying to make sense of why he chooses to live the way he does. Well, here's the answer: We are very happy, and we don't want to be changed. There are some things we'd love help with; I'm sure Trent would enjoy someone to help him with his homework, and hey, I need a job- can you help me out? 

But we DON'T need help making choices in life. We are not 5 years old  any longer. 

I, for one, have never lived my life trying to please others. To me, that is pointless, because it will never be successful. After all, I remember sitting at lunch in 6th grade with some "popular" girls, and as soon as one of the "friends" walked away from the table, the other girls immediately began to gossip about her and say mean things.

If I didn't know it before, I knew it then: people are fake! They live double lives, acting nice or perfect one minute, then stabbing you in the back the next. I imagine I might have gotten a lot further in life if I was fake- you know, suck up to this person, flash a boob to that person (<--hehe). If I don't have something to say to someone, I am not going to make up a fake conversation; I will not flatter anyone undeservedly. If I feel fake doing it, I won't do it. I won't change for someone else, and anyone who does that is straight up insecure. 

Can't people just take a deep breath, and love each other without worrying about the eternal ramifications? Just for a minute? I imagine it gets very tiring to be concerned all the time. 

Weird Dreams

As a young child, I repeatedly dreamt that I was driving a car, but A) I didn't know how, and B) I didn't have a license because I was too young. I'd always start freaking out, and inevitably the cops would catch on and start following me. I hated these dreams. Yet when I turned 17 and got my license, they stopped forever.

Then, when I graduated from high school, I started having dreams that I was back in school for whatever reason. I've had dreams where I was in 3rd grade, and others when I'm in my Junior year. Now that I'm just now done with college, I am having dreams of being back there. And I've decided that it's really weird to be done with school. I presume that I am done with school completely, as I currently have no interest in graduate school (although this could change eventually). It's a relief and a burden at the same time. I'm glad I will never have to worry about another exam or paper, but now I have to deal with a job for. the. rest. of. my. life.

Can we say awkward?

So. Just got back from the gym. I am still (figuratively) dripping sweat as we speak because I had to run out of there so quickly. So I'm at the end of my routine, just sitting down on the mats to do some crunches, when some guy (skinny, curly hair, glasses= you know) comes in (the gym had, up to this point, been empty). I've got my earplugs in, jamming to some Rihanna, and wiping the drops of perspiration off my face, when he goes "excuse me ma'am" so I take off my headphones, and he says, "Can I take you out to dinner sometime?" WTF!?!?! So I was like "I'm married, thanks". LOL. Then he replied very awkwardly, "You're married? Ok cool", smiles and walks away. I basically did like 3 crunches to pretend like I wasn't freaked out when I actually was quite terrified. Then I fled. 

SO weird, am I right? Like first off, I had never seen him before, let alone actually spoken any words, as one would usually do prior to asking one out. Like, you'd probably want to gage one's interest/availability before just getting straight to the point! Secondly, it probably isn't the best timing in the world when my face looks like vinyl, it's so sweaty!! Maybe that's what it was, the glowy, ultra-dewy skin?? hahaha. I really felt like calling in Hitch for this fellow, because he definitely needs some game advice.

End of awkwardness.

Yes, I am still in AK...and here's what I'm up to!

Not sure if anyone really cares about a run down of what's going on in my life, but I also happen to know that voyeurism is a popular sport these days, so I will proceed with divulging all the news in my life.

Ok first off, if you haven't heard, Trent and I formed a Ghost Hunting club, Peachy Chicken Paranormal Investigators. Yes, that is our website. It's a work in progress, but we also have a blog, Peachychickenparanormal.blogspot.com. And that is also a work in progress but is really cool, nonetheless. Anyways, our club has been hugely successful up here in the north, both in terms of the public's interest, and in our findings at various locations. On our blog we are going to catalog all of our fun experiences. But right now we have 30+ members, and even though the summer is coming to an end (for some), the club will keep on strong when everyone relocates to Utah and nearby regions. We just got our t-shirts in, and we have a bunch of other fun Peachy Chicken paraphenelia, so basically, it rocks. 

Next, I am still here in Skagway, and I am getting what some could call cabin fever. Which is actually impressive because last year I started getting cabin fever around June, so the fact that I've made it this far is pretty impressive. The kicker is I still have 2 months to go. It's not that I don't like it here-- in all honesty, I'm rather content this summer. It's just that our drivers are going to start leaving soon in a slow trickle, and I guess just knowing that people will be back at home living lives, with a Wendy's at one's beck-and-call is kind of depressing. That and I am getting kinda anxious thinking about where we are going to live, how I am going to find a job, etc when I get back. I think I am jumping the gun a little, because I've got so much time left, but I'm just not used to staying til October 1, so I am used to leaving not long from now. But I'm not leaving. It's so weird. 

Finally, I've gotten through the entire day today without eating any sort of junk food. I've been trying to eat healthily for the past week or so, but it is usually pretty difficult. Case in point: yesterday I lost control and snarfed down a butterfinger and reese's peanut butter cup. And other assorted chocolates that I cannot remember, but most assuredly enjoyed. That was not very conducive to my diet, in which it is currently a goal of mine to consume at least 30 grams of fiber and no more than 30 grams of fat daily. Fiber not only produces regular bowel movements, but it also helps break down fat or something like that. All I know is that by monitoring one's intake of fat, it also generally monitors the intake of calories and sugar, etc. I hope to see some sort of change soon, as I think I am doing pretty well, especially today. I didn't sneak a single jelly bean from my friend/co-worker, LoriLee's desk. Even better, one of my other co-workers mentioned today that I look like I've lost weight. First off, I know this to be untrue because I am still weighing in the same (but I know some of it is now muscle, previously known as fat, lol), but I like these compliments nonetheless. Bring them on!

Except I will say that comments about one having lost weight can be a little disturbing because it's like, was I that fat to begin with? Now I was not too fat (ok, I am 15 lbs heavier than I was 4-5 years ago, but I am also no longer a spry 19 yr old, right?) but I guess it can be said that sometimes people hope that other people won't notice they are fat. If no one says anything, maybe they don't notice. Wrong. People don't dare comment on it, but they are probably still thinking that I could lose a couple pounds here or there. Whatever. I am going to the gym religiously and eating "healthy" food, so I guess they can say whatever they want. Plus I really am not heavy by any means. I'm a size 4 for pete's sake. 

Anyways that's my random ramblings for today. :)